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Блог Проничкиных > Posts > Никогда не стоит возвращаться туда, где тебе было хорошо
Никогда не стоит возвращаться туда, где тебе было хорошо

Фразу, вынесенную в заголовок, я придумал очень давно. (Что само по себе неплохо иллюструрует нехитрую мысль, изложенную ниже). Люблю повторять её по поводу и без — хотя никогда особенно не задумывался над смыслом. (Это тоже крайне для меня характерно). Вернее, этот смысл я всегда очень остро ощущал — но никогда не увязывал его с этой чеканной (и, в общем-то, довольно спорной) формулировкой.

~~~

Всю сознательную жизнь меня преследует устойчивое ощущение того, что раньше — месяц, год или пять назад — я был гораздо умнее и полезнее для общества, чем сейчас. Я умел и делал много такого, чего сегодня повергает меня в благоговейное восхищение. Примерно столько же времени я довольно успешно гнал эту мысль прочь, не давая овладеть слишком большой частью сознания, чтобы оставить хоть немного места для полезной нагрузки.

Какое-то время мне с переменным успехом удавалось заблуждаться, прибегая к двум основным аргументам. Во-первых, объективные свидетельства моей охуенности в прошлом отсутствуют — а все воспоминания по определению субъективны и по этой причине в качестве мерила не годятся ни под каким соусом. Во-вторых, жизненные условия меняются и усложняются по нарастающей. Поэтому если сейчас я выгляжу менее охуенным — то это целиком и полностью следствие изменившейся среды, не без отрыва от которой производятся замеры.

Но сегодня мне было явлено самое убедительное и доходчивое подтверждение правоты моего извечного смутного ощущения. За некоторым делом я сдуру перечитал сколько-то верхних записей из давно заброшенного ЖЖ. Прочитал — и буквально восхитился. Боже, насколько же я был когда-то остроумен и находчив в подборе эпитетов. Причём речь идёт даже о тех немногочисленных заметках, которые я публиковал «под глаз», стыдясь (как мне тогда казалось) банальности и косноязычия. Однако же — по сравнению со всеми мыслями и формулировками, на которые я способен сегодня, те эксперименты четырёх-пятилетней давности выглядят подлинными шедеврами.

Ещё одна дурацкая фраза, которая давно и прочно закрепилась в моём дежурном «разговорнике Эллочки-Людоедки»: с возрастом всё становится хуже. Обычно после неё я любил добавлять — «кроме нас самих». Сегодня я понял: даже из этого правила, к сожалению, исключений не существует. Вернее — где-то они, наверное, есть. Но это — как обычно и случается с исключениями — не я.

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